Ah, the jungle. The air is thick with mystery. The vines are dramatic. And somewhere, just beyond the fern line, an ostrich is making prolonged eye contact with you.
Welcome back, survival romantics. I’m Zach Roosta, professional overthinker and under-prepared adventurer.
Today’s survival blog explores one of nature’s most baffling and emotionally confusing topics:
What do you do when you fall in love with an ostrich in the middle of the jungle?
🦤 Step 1: Acknowledge Your Feelings
It starts subtly. A flutter in your chest. A rustle in the leaves. You glance over—and there it is.
Six feet of feathered confidence. Legs like a track star. Eyelashes that say, “I’m judging your tent setup.”
You’re not weird. You’re just… emotionally dehydrated.
🗺️ Step 2: Don’t Chase It—Let It Chase You
Ostriches can run 60 km/h. You can’t.
Let love come to you (preferably not with talons).
To initiate bonding:
- Casually drop some trail mix and pretend you weren’t looking.
- Do not bring up emus. It’s a sore subject.
- Slowly back away from the GPS you were using—because it’s already gone.
💔 Step 3: The Inevitable Betrayal
Just when things feel real—when you’re picturing a future with tiny half-human half-bird children—it happens.
She takes your compass.
She takes your heart.
She takes your last granola bar and sprints into the foliage like a feathered hurricane of betrayal.
🔥 Bonus: How to Emotionally Recover from Ostrich Romance
- Scream into a palm frond. It’s cheaper than therapy.
- Write poetry with charcoal. Titles may include “Plucked and Abandoned” or “Beaked and Bewildered.”
- Start a podcast called Birds I’ve Loved and Lost.
In love and survival, the jungle gives and the jungle takes.
Sometimes what it gives is an ostrich. And sometimes what it takes… is your last protein bar.
Still alive? Emotionally wrecked? Still better than my last camping trip.
Grab your copy of The Worst Survival Guide Ever—because while I can’t help you survive heartbreak, I can help you laugh through it.
Until next time, trust no bird.
— Zach Roosta
Part-time Survivalist, Full-time Emotional Wreck
