Welcome back, hopeless romantics and hopeless navigators.
I’m Zach Roosta, and today we tackle one of nature’s slimiest enigmas:
What do you do when a frog insists on kissing you to turn you into his frog princess?
Let me explain.
💚 Chapter 1: It Always Starts with Eye Contact
There I was, lost in the jungle, searching for clean drinking water and a purpose.
Suddenly, a frog appeared. Not hopping. Not ribbiting. Just… staring.
He had that look. You know the one. The “you complete my ancient swamp curse” look.
🐸 Chapter 2: The Prophecy Unfolds
He croaked three times and then, in perfect English, said:
“Only a kiss can turn you into the majestic Frog Princess of the Everlasting Bog.”
Naturally, I panicked and screamed into my canteen.
He croaked again—this time holding up a tiny frog-sized scroll.
It read: “Kiss now, reign forever. Also, free flies.”
💋 Chapter 3: The Kiss (It Was Wet, Okay?)
Look, I’m not proud. But jungle loneliness is real.
Also, I had just eaten a suspicious mushroom, so I figured this was either fate or hallucination.
I kissed the frog.
🐸 Chapter 4: I’m Royalty Now (I Think?)
Nothing changed. Except now, he won’t leave.
He’s moved into my backpack. Claims I’m his queen.
He keeps calling me “Princess Moisture.”
Also, I’ve started craving pond water and croaking when I laugh.
🧭 BONUS Survival Tip: How to Politely Reject a Magical Amphibian
- “I’m already in a committed relationship—with sanity.”
- “I don’t kiss on the first bog.”
- “Let’s just be pond-friends.”
Moral of the story? Don’t eat mushrooms you can’t pronounce.
And if a frog asks to kiss you… ask about the exit strategy first.
If this sounds like fiction, it’s because you haven’t read my book yet.
Grab The Worst Survival Guide Ever for even more magical bad decisions, poor life choices, and semi-romantic wildlife encounters.
Until next time, stay kiss-free and mildly damp.
— Zach Roosta
Swamp Queen, Jungle Adventurer, Questionable Decision Maker
