Welcome, outdoorsy misfits and indoor survival strategists!
It’s your boy, Zach Roosta, author of The Worst Survival Guide Ever—the only manual that prepares you for absolutely nothing and yet… everything.
Today, I’m dropping a brand-new survival tip that didn’t make it into the book because, frankly, my printer ran out of ink and I panicked.
🐻 Tip #87: When in Doubt, Befriend a Bear
That’s right. Forget fire-starting, GPS, or actual plans. The real survival hack? Find the biggest, fluffiest apex predator you can… and win its heart.
Here’s how:
- Approach with Confidence (and Snacks)
Bears respect confidence. And trail mix. Bonus points if you can pronounce “charcuterie” mid-run. - Communicate Like a Local
If you don’t know Bear, just growl until something growls back. If it sounds angry, congrats—you’ve entered negotiations. - Establish Dominance by Offering Your Tent
Bears love shelter. Give them yours. Sleep in your backpack. Or the lake. - Seal the Friendship with a Bear Hug
Warning: Bear hugs are not FDA-approved. Side effects may include mild mauling, extreme regret, and sudden tree-climbing skills.
🌲 Pro Tip: Surviving Without Cell Service
No signal? No problem! Simply:
- Climb a tall tree and wave your phone like it’s a sacred totem.
- Try to barter with a squirrel for GPS directions (they’re fast, but rude).
- Yell “HEY SIRI” every five minutes. Just in case.
🔥 BONUS: What’s in Zach’s Emergency Survival Kit?
- 3 granola bars (half-eaten)
- 1 broken compass (points west emotionally)
- 1 copy of The Worst Survival Guide Ever (for comedic morale)
- A sticker that says “I Hike For Wi-Fi”
- A full set of wilderness flashcards I stole from a second grader
If this advice saves your life, you’re doing survival wrong.
If it made you laugh, you’re my kind of people.
👉 Still haven’t picked up the book?
Grab a copy of The Worst Survival Guide Ever and prepare to learn absolutely nothing useful… but everything hilarious.
Until next time, stay indoors-ish.
— Zach Roosta
Professional Non-Expert & Mosquito Magnet
